BREAKING:

Victorinox about to release first Swiss Army Knife without a knife. Knife

"As the world becomes rapidly more infantile, feminine and gay, blades are increasingly considered toxic and dangerous phallic symbols. Simultanously, governments all over the West and Asia are increasingly taking the role of a mother who doesn't want her children, the citizens, to play with dangerous edged tools. On top of these hot trends, we are also responding to a change in diet that makes knives largely superfluous: Bug porridge, for example doesn't require a knife at all, just a spoon."