BREAKING:

Scientists discover secret meaning of April 8th solar eclipse:

"We compared data from all eclipses throughout history and put it in a historical, socio-economical, philosophical, mythological and religious context. After a while we noticed a strange pattern that gave us the key to deciphering the meaming of the upcoming eclipse. And I assure you, it ondeed has a very clear meaning and a message that literally says "Stop being so gay you fucking heathens."