However, with that said... I was going to write a nice letter to my 3 year old son on here, but this topic got my attention. I'll instead write him a nice positive letter and I hope that venting the backstop here will keep the energy positive in my handwritten letter. We all have problems, bills, fears, regrets, loss, etc. No matter how good or bad, it is relative. Suicide is a horrible thing to do to your loved ones, but an accident is not. I picked out an awesome spot to accidentally lose control and go off the road. Ita a long way down and will do the trick. My life insurance policy should cover my debts and allow my wife to take care of herself and our 3 year old son for a few years. I worry about what happens after that, but I feel like I'm doing them wrong the longer I keep going on. Every day that goes by that I'm unable to pay the bills. Our electric bill is about $2,000 past due and I'm worried that the utilities companies will stop their covid19 leniency programs at any moment and shut off our power. I let this happen so we could have enough to pay the rent. My credit is so bad right now that I wouldn't pass a credit check if I tried to move into a cheaper place. My 75+ year old parents tried to help me and it just wasn't enough...and I can't take their limited money because I know they would go without. I had bitcoin once but sold it when it hit $243. I took my wife to kona HI at a nice Marriott hotel on the beach. She loved it so much and she was so beautiful. I think my financial problems have contributed to her current drinking problem. She really isn't able to do anything but sleep and drink. She I great with my son in the 2 or 3 hours she manages to be sober and present for him. If something happened to me and she got the insurance money I think she would step up for him. I tried to help her but it makes her super angry and last time she broke my nose in front of our son. I just have to make it work. At this minute, today my bank account is negative by $158. I got approved for 3 payday loans but they won't come through until Monday. I cant afford groceries that we need. We have some pasta and expired beans. I won't eat, but they will. It is so sad and pathetic that this is the life I'm providing for them. Yes, an accident will be bad, sad, but it will also give her a chance to do better for them than me and they deserve so much more. This didn't help and I can't write my son a letter right now. I'm going to have to hold off. I used to make pretty good money. I remember taking my wife to Vegas and going super drunk together and then taking her on a shipping spree at the Caesars forum shops. That's the guy she deserves, not what I've become.
Now it's permanent record. I can't delete this. I thought it cut off after the part about the electric bill, but it's all there. Sorry for venting this here. I'm just saying don't let your loved ones know it was a suicide. It would hurt them and if you love them you wouldn't let that happen